race you to the waterside.

This post has been a long, long time coming, but it’s taken me quite awhile to compress my thoughts into words.  I think I’ve been so surprised by the state of my life lately that I wasn’t entirely sure how to deal with it, or what to say, or how to react.

I’ve spent the last few months (years, really) with a continual stream of emotions and questions rushing through my head.  I’ve been on a perpetual rollercoaster, constantly thrown between unbounded joy and intense depression.  I didn’t know how to deal with a lot of the things that were happening to me, and the constant swing of emotions left me exhausted and confused.  I went to Paris to get away, but ended up immersing myself even more in the things I wished to avoid from home.  I spent a lot of time on skype and facebook, constantly reinforcing my connections with the things and people I was trying to forget.  I threw myself headfirst into heartache when it came, hoping that it would be the catalyst that changed this process of events in my life, and then kept coming back for more when things remained the same.  I came home from Paris confused, happy, depressed, empty and stuffed to the brim, teetering on the edge of unconsciousness half the time because I was just so damn worn out from it all.

Then, a lot of things happened.  At the time it felt like a slow and gradual process, though looking back, it all happened quite quickly.  I readjusted to life in Athens, reconnecting with old friends and settling back into work.  School started again, providing a much-needed routine to my life.  I spent a lot of time with family and grew closer to friends I hadn’t seen in awhile.  I threw myself into classes I really enjoyed, and distanced myself from people who were bringing a lot of negativity into my life.  And somewhere in all of this mess, the edges of my life were smoothed out, and the rest of it somehow followed.  I remember sitting on my porch a few nights ago, watching the sunset, and thinking to myself wow, I’ve never felt so settled.  It’s really the only word I can use to describe myself now - settled.  I feel so at peace with the world, so completely contented with who I am in this moment and where my life is going.  It isn’t just a passing emotion, either - I’ve spent the last few weeks marinating in the peace that’s surrounded my days.  Sure, there has been stress, and more will probably follow.  I’ve cried tears of joy and of sorrow, but I’ve let them loose with the understanding that this, too, shall pass.

Last night, I attended one of my best friend’s housewarming parties.  I was looking forward to this all week, and I worried that an unexpected guest would taint my night.  I didn’t want to deal with that part of my past, especially so quickly.  I was shocked, though, at how peaceful and loved I felt throughout the evening.  There wasn’t an awkward or sad moment in the whole thing; I laughed, I smiled, I told stories, I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in far too long.  And yes, there was the occasional moment when a friend would hug me a bit longer or whisper “I’m sorry” in my ear.  In fact, I was shocked when so many of my friends showed as little surprise as I did when it first happened; I guess some people really do a poor job of hiding their true colors.  Besides that immature slip, I was just surprised at how much my friends’ feelings reflected my own, and how cared for I felt.  It wasn’t a love of pity or of mourning, it was simply one of friendship and of celebration.  We were happy for our friends who were celebrating in their new home, and we were mutually happy to see each other.  And when said unexpected guest was given a cold shoulder by everyone, and when his exit wasn’t even noticeable to me until long after he’d gone, I knew then that this is where I was supposed to be.

I’ve learned, through repeated mistakes, not to ever associate my happiness with a person; people, too, are fickle and fleeting, and it’s too hard to pick yourself up when they unexpectedly leave.  I won’t, then, say I have anyone to thank for this happiness, because I do think it’s something I’ve stumbled upon myself.  Plus, I would have far too difficult of a time associating it with any one person.  I will say, though, that these past few weeks have been just a little bit sweeter for one very specific reason.  And as I sit on my porch watching the sun set, it’s that reason which fills my thoughts.  I don’t have anyone to thank for this but myself, though I’m happy to share it, especially with someone who has been there through it all.